


The epiphany of loss.

by sapphiclino



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, also stream i am you, minho deserves better breathe if you agree, minho im so sorry bby ily, this is gonna try and be really sad but its gonna suck;;;
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 10:18:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16490696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphiclino/pseuds/sapphiclino
Summary: Jisung was Minho's favourite constellation.





	The epiphany of loss.

Minho knew he was never going to be enough for Han Jisung.

Ever since the day they got together, Minho was never enough. When they first got together, the news spread like wildlife because it had never been a thing for two people of the same sex were to date. It went around so quickly that even some teachers had gotten light of the situation, which did make them uncomfortable, but some teachers gave them the benefit of the doubt and always sat them next to each other. However, Minho knew that Jisung deserved so much better than someone like him. He never gave him so much as a hug whenever they walked to school together, they never even shared a kiss, and it made Jisung feel worse every day. Minho knew that Jisung should've broken up with him so long ago. 

But, to be honest, they knew when they got together it wasn't going to be the best thing ever. It was supposed to be a silly fling, but they were stupid enough to fall in love with each other once they'd seen themselves in the other person, and Jisung saw the good side of Minho before someone could point out that being in a relationship with Minho was the worst thing he could do. Jisung didn't listen to anyone when they mentioned that Minho never had a good relationship. Jisung didn't listen when Chan, his best fucking friend, told him that he could do so much better than Minho. (He agrees now - Chan's always been right about most things). And he certainly didn't listen when his other best friend, Changbin, told him to decline Minho's date offer. If he had listened to Changbin, neither Jisung nor Minho would be in this position where neither of them is happy in the relationship, but both are too scared to call it quits.

Jisung knew what a good relationship was, and the one he had with Minho wasn't one. Even though Jisung hated himself more than anything, he knew that he deserved better than what Minho was giving him. It wasn't exactly Minho's fault, though, since all the relationships he'd been in were all abusive, and thus he didn't know any better. It wasn't like he was going to intentionally harm Jisung, because that's the last thing he'd ever do. It was just that - Jisung was Jisung, and Minho could never give him what he deserved - Jisung was put on a pedestal by Minho when they first dated, and he was always there for him no matter what was thrown at either of them, because Minho knew that they could get through anything together.

Now, Jisung's just not sure whether the boy he's in love with even wants to be around him anymore. He's always declining dates, saying that he's doing homework, or hanging out with his friend Jeongin. He wasn't jealous of Jeongin, mainly because he knows the boy's too young for Minho, but it certainly made him upset knowing that Minho always prioritised anything over his own boyfriend. It was almost like everything was about Jisung in Minho's hierarchy. Jisung wasn't a jealous person - at least, not that he thought - so obviously, he let Minho do whatever he wanted. But it's different because Minho went from seeing Jeongin once a week, to seeing him every day to the point where Jisung had to ask weeks in advance just to see him. It had gotten ridiculous, but Jisung still had hope in him.

Hope that didn't last.

\--

It's a late October afternoon. Feeling anxious, Jisung kicks the autumn leaves around, sometimes playing with his hoodies strings and flipping his hair around a few times, trying to feel comfortable within his surroundings. Next to him is the boy he had been in love with for nearly two years, yet he seemed like a stranger to him - it nearly made him tear up right then and there, knowing that this was the boy he would've done anything for a year ago, yet now? He doesn't even know where he is half the time. "Are we too late?" Jisung randomly says, nearly crying again and he hearsd Minho stop breathing for a second.

His head whips around faster than Jisung can even think. With a shaky hand, Minho clasps Jisung's in his own, staring into his eyes. "...Too late? Wasn't it ages ago that we hit that point? I know you're not happy a-anymore," Minho bites his lip, and it hurts Jisung, knowing that Minho's been aware of this for so long. "I'm sorry. I-Is it too late, Sungie? I mean, I don't want all these years to go away, but our relationship..."

Without a word of response, Jisung just nods, looking up at the stars. They used to love stargazing with one another.

"The stars are pretty tonight, huh?" Minho laughs bitterly, sighing loudly as his hands lose Jisung's, and Jisung realises that he's losing Minho. Knowing that Jisung might not even respond, Minho begins wearily, "I-I am sorry for everything, Sungie. I-I..."

Jisung can't even think. This might be the last time they even speak to each other, and Jisung can't deal with the fact. The second Minho's out of eyesight tonight, that's the last time they'll have been in the same area together being friends, or even acknowledging each other's existence. Because he can tell, by the tone of Minho's voice, this is a goodbye speech. Jisung's never been good with goodbyes, which makes the whole idea of them ironic, but they're never good, because you're just celebrating not talking to someone for a length of time. It's stupid, and Jisung sighs. Why is he stupid? Isn't this what he wanted? - a brand new relationship where he can finally be happy with who he is, and who he's with.

He can't really be so mean on Minho, he tried his hardest. "I-I'm guessing this is a goodbye."

Minho chokes up, too, shyly wiping his teary face with the back of his hand. "I wasn't insinuating that," Sniffles fill the bitter air, and Jisung feels so awful for making him feel like this. "I-I never thought of this as a final goodbye, Sungie, I-I thought we could still be friends...?"

Silence engulfs them before Jisung smacks his lips. "Yeah, I-I don't...I don't think that'd work out, Minnie. I-I just think that, you know, we have the same friends and stuff and it'd be really awkward. It's okay, I'll find some more people. I heard Hyejoo from our English class wants new friends to join her new club."

Minho creases his eyebrows together. "So, this really is the last time we'll speak to each other as friends?" It's almost as if Minho can read minds, but Jisung still feels awful for doing this to someone like Minho, who didn't have a great childhood, who didn't have good friends as a child, and he certainly didn't know what a good relationship was, since all of his contained some sort of abuse.

Jisung - Jisung never came close to any of the others, he was almost God-tier.

They both close their eyes, wondering what their lives will be like beyond this point. Minho doesn't want to think, he doesn't want to feel, he doesn't want to do anything. Jisung just keeps crying, and he can't stop his hands from shaking. "W-Where did it go wrong? A-At what point did this all fail?"

Minho wishes he had an answer, but instead he just bits his lip and stares at the Virgo constellation. He'll never be able to look at the stars the same way again, knowing that whenever he looks at the stars, only one person comes to mind. His Han Jisung - though, he's not his anymore.

"At what point did you stop loving me?"

Minho's heart stops, and he feels like he's going to vomit. He closes his eyes and spills the truth, "I've never stopped. I don't think I ever will, Sung. I-I just can't show you what you're worth. You're worth everything, I can't...I can't give you that,"

Jisung's still crying, and Minho wants to undo this entire day. He pats his thighs and Jisung just smiles sadly through this tears. "I-I'm sorry. There's not much I can say, but I'm sorry."

The rest of the night is just awkward silences, sad comments, and the realisation that neither of their lives will ever be the same again.

\---

It's been over 5 months since Jisung spoke to Minho, and his life has become significantly better. Since breaking up with Minho, he's become a more positive person and everyone's noticed it. As for Minho? Well, he managed to break off from their friend group so now he and Jeongin just hang out at lunchtimes, doing whatever. During classes, however, it's always awkward because they're sat near each other for nearly everything. It's not like they have anything against each other, infact, Minho was still in love with Jisung because he didn't lie, he'll always be in love with Han Jisung. It was just always awkward because one wrong word could bring back some memories that they'd rather compress amongst all the other happy memories. 

Speaking of memories, one that Jisung can never remove is when he first met the love of his life in the form of Lee Felix. When they first met, his freckles made him stand out amongst the rest of his new class, and his deep Australian accent instantly made Jisung want to become friends with him. He then realised that Chan and Felix were childhood best friends, and they joked that they were soulmates that were destined to find each other, even after years of being separated.

'What if Minho was my soulmate, and I've messed everything up?'

Jisung pinched his wrist. He can't be having thoughts about Minho, not after everything that happened, and especially not since everything has happened and there's nothing they can do to reverse it. Minho has Jeongin, and Jisung has Changbin, Chan, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Woojin, and Felix. There was always something special about Felix, Jisung noted, but he couldn't tell what it was. There was something, however, that made Jisung want to hang out with Felix more than the others. Felix was just always so much fun to be around, and they never argued. He always smelt like marshmallows, he gave the best hugs, and his hands were so soft - he was like a literal angel and it was sending Jisung mad. At some points, he even wondered what it would be like to date someone like Felix, and every single thought came out to be a positive one, and he thought that maybe, Felix was HIS soulmate.

It wouldn't hurt to try, right?

\---

For the first time in his 17 years of living, Jisung doesn't look at the stars that night. Instead, he calls his own star.

\---

It's been a year since Minho and Jisung had made contact with one another. Jisung eventually asked Felix out, and they had been dating for around 4 months. Everything was going amazing - for Jisung, at least. He hadn't heard anything about Minho for months now, and even Jeongin seemed distant about talking about Minho, and he refused to join their group, mainly because of Jisung and the thoughts and memories that would include.

Jisung became increasingly curious about what had happened to Minho, and everyone had begun noticing that Minho wasn't in any classes anymore, and the last time anyone had heard from him was Jisung's birthday. When they got home that day, Jisung slumped down on the couch and Felix's instinct was to cuddle with him, burying his face in Jisung's warm neck. His short, slow breathes were almost enough to send Felix into a peaceful sleep, until Jisung's breath hitched and he sat upright more, apologising to Felix under his breath.

Jisung's eyes are wide open, and his jaw is open in shock. His mind races with thoughts, Felix being in the back for most of them. He only snaps out of his daze when he hears his favourite voice whisper, "Baby? What-What's wrong?" Without a word being shared between the two, Jisung sheepishly shows Felix his phone screen with his shaky hand. Felix wants to look away, knowing that he shouldn't be reading that, knowing that he didn't know the boy who had posted it, but his mind led him to read it even more, wondering what on Earth this had to do with Jisung.

'Dear the boy I love,  
It's me, Minho. I'm sorry I was never what you wanted me to be. When we began dating, I was over the moon - I had liked you for so long, and you actually liked me back! It was like a dream - you were my dream, even, you were my gorgeous serendipity and you'll always be my favourite thing. I'm writing this because I miss everything, even though I can't do anything. I want to reverse time to a point where we never met, in a universe where I didn't show up to that Maths lesson, or to one where someone was already sat there. Just one where we never met, because then maybe, I would've been fucking happy in life. In no way am I blaming you, none of this is your fault, it's my stupid mind for thinking that I was ever worthy of being your boyfriend. Now you're gone from my life, I realise how happy you made me and I can't do this anymore. I'm aware that you're so, so much better off without me, but I'm hurting so much and I don't want to do this anymore. Everything is a constant reminder of how you're no longer here to keep me warm; how there's nobody to tell me that everything'll be okay. Jeongin doesn't want to be around me anymore, because he fears what I've become.

I can't do this anymore. I've been suffering enough, and you can come and saved me from everything I had been suffering with. Now you're gone, there's no guarantee I'll ever get better. Every day is a constant struggle, and now there's nobody to hold my hand and guide me throw the mess we call life. Life isn't fun anymore, now you're gone, and I can't even reverse anything and nothing I say will ever bring you back, and maybe it's for the best, but I miss you so much and I'm just miserable all the fucking time. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe this was my destiny all along - maybe I did something terrible in my past life, to deserve this life. You, however - you deserve the entire world and I hope you're happy with whoever you end up with. Seriously, you've been my favourite thing for many years now, and I'll always love you. You're my favourite constellation, and I could stare at you for hours. Your voice is my favourite lullaby; your face is my favourite artwork; your handwriting is my favourite poem; your existence is my favourite thing, ever. Even though we're no longer in each other's lives, you'll always remain my favourite thing, even when I don't remember your name anymore. Maybe you haven't thought about me in eight months, I have no idea of what you're doing anymore, but I hope you're happy (I don't mean that in a condescending way, I sincerely hope you're happy with this outcome, because it's the least you deserve). If I could, I would give you a hug, because that's the one thing I want right now. I can't do this anymore, though. We only have one life, and at 17, I've managed to fuck this one up.

Han Jisung, if you're reading this, I'm already gone from this world, but you've always been my favourite constellation. I hope when you look at the night sky, it'll remind you of me. I really hope Felix gives you what you want.  
The boy who died being in love with you, Lee Minho.'

There's just tears flowing from Jisung's eyes as Felix cradles him, rocking him back and forth, whispering things into his ear, hoping that something calms him down before he starts crying. He hates seeing Jisung hurt, and obviously, this Minho person meant a lot to him at some point. "Shh, baby, it'll be okay, I promise. Breathe, slowly..." He repeats into Jisung's ears, massaging his hands.

It takes a whole five minutes before Jisung can even breathe without hyperventilating. It takes ten minutes before Jisung can mutter, "H-He's gone." 

Minho died knowing that the boy he loved more than anything was in love with someone else. Let alone, his fucking best friend. 

"I-I..." Jisung can't stop crying and he just wants to apologise for everything he's ever said to Minho, and he wants nothing more than to give him a hug, but it's too late; Minho's gone.

Through this glossy eyes, he notes that the post was uploaded privately on the 3rd of November. He notes the calendar reads the 15th of December. The funeral has probably already happened. After a few hours of being in hysterics, Jisung seems to have calmed down and so Felix and Jisung both close their eyes, and Felix rubs his back and peppers him in kisses, wanting nothing more than for the love of his life to feel at least okay, because it hurts Felix knowing that Jisung was this upset over something he couldn't stop. He knows Jisung will forever live with the thought that Minho killed himself because of him. He's aware that the thought will probably never go away, but he just hopes that he, or someone else, helps him through that.

\--

Three in the morning. Felix had to call his older sister, Yves, telling her that he'd be staying over at Jisung's for the night. Felix's eyes close to go to sleep as he's been rubbing Jisung's back slowly for a while, trying to calm him down, until a wobbly voice goes, "F-...Why? W-Why did he..." and it hurts Felix's heart so fucking much, because he knows this is what Jisung is going to have to go through for many years.

Felix's eyebrows furrow together in sadness. "I-I'm sorry, baby boy, I-I don't know."

"I mean...he was in love with me! A-And yet, I completely ignored his existence because I believed he would be happier. Y-Yet, the only reason he was happy was because of me." Jisung pouts, and Felix wants nothing more than to kiss his pain away, but now's not the best time, so he closes his eyes and just holds Jisung's hand close. It takes a while until Jisung's able to fall asleep again, but Felix doesn't fail to notice that Jisung now wears this moon shaped necklace at all times. 

He finally notes a note on his bedside table that reads, 'To the love of my life, you're the moon to my sun. I love you, Sungie.' Felix now knows to never call Jisung 'Sungie'. Felix closes his eyes and inhales Jisung's scent on his pillow before he can even fathom how weird that sounds. Jisung, however? His old habit comes back. Normally, he would've messaged or called Felix every night, because Felix was his star, and Felix was his favourite thing. Now? Felix and Jisung stargaze with each other, and Minho's words echo in his mind.

'I hope when you look at the night sky, it'll remind you of me.'

Jisung smiles softly at the sky, the Virgo constellation shining brightly in the sky, just like the day Minho and Jisung broke up.

'I always think about you, Minho,' Jisung thinks to himself, hoping someone Minho can hear him. 'You were the stars in my eye at one point, now you've become a star in the night sky.'

As Jisung makes eye contact with Felix, they lock hands.

and then, one, single star shines brighter than the others.


End file.
